A little face time and suddenly all is right with the world.
-TJ
Jul 172010
Jul 172010
I feel like I’m heartbroken. I don’t feel heartbroken, though. It’s something else.
Don’t ask why, I don’t have a good reason, as nothing has happened really to bring this about. But it feels like that “nothing” is what’s causing this. When I have strong feelings for someone, I tend to want to interact with them… I feel like this is a natural thing. And at the same time, I feel like I’m wrong. How do other people handle this? The space between friendship and “more”? This is the part I have the most trouble with, historically speaking.
During the last few days on the road, though, I’ve made a realization that right now I am not in love so much as I want to love this girl. I want to get to that place where I can say “Wow. I love this girl.” That idea of getting to that place enthralls me. I want to get there. I think she’s worth the effort.
But that can’t happen when nothing is happening. I can’t discover her quirks. I can’t find out what I want about her when I can’t see her. I can’t find out what I mean to her. I’m just in limbo. It’s frustrating. But still… I feel like I’m not handling this internally the way normal folks do. Then again-again, how do “normal folks” deal with this? What is “normal”? I think I’ll just accept that I feel something that I’ll describe as “heartbroken” for now, even though I know that’s not what this is. I just have that same feeling like there’s a sorrowful pit in my chest, and it burns sometimes, and that it’s there because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do right now. Do I push? I don’t want to push, I feel like this should happen naturally if it was meant to happen. But I’ve always heard that the best things are worth fighting for… “fighting”? The idea that I have to fight for affection sounds very contrary to me. It sounds like I need to talk to a Philosopher, to logically discuss this disconnect.
Stepping back, at the same time as I don’t want to give her her space, I need to give her her space. I mean, it’s not like I’ve never been there before, myself. There was a young lady in the Philippines to whom I’ve been on the receiving end of this problem. Of course, that was different… she wanted my money. But still, I saw an immense pressure to develop something more from a relationship, to go to a place I was not ready to go at the time, and I didn’t appreciate it. But that was because I eventually realized she wasn’t the girl I thought she was. I wonder if this is what’s happening to me now?
I worry too fucking much. I think I’m just going to not think of this, and work on other shit. I can’t mope about in my apartment, it’s not healthy.
I just learned the difference between realist and idealist, and I can see where my frustration is coming from… and I feel like a heel. I haven’t been respecting her perspective, what she sees from her end. Time to endeavor to do better.
-TJ
Jul 162010
She’s worth it. Let me say this, first and foremost. I want her to be my life. If we end up happening, she should be the first thing I consider. Isn’t this but one aspect of love?
But she is not my life yet. And I am not hers yet. I want to get to know her, I want her to know me. I want to see her at her worst so I can appreciate her at her best. Right now I can only hope this turns into something beautiful, but for now it’s just confusing and frustrating. My frustration at the current moment is that I am impatient for this journey to progress, but I guess it will happen when it happens, as it happens. For my part, I know I could do alot more growing up. I can speak for no one else.
It’s a climb, for sure, and I’m trying to figure out where our next grip is so that we may progress up this path towards destiny, or fall. Either way, staying still is unbearable.
-TJ
Jul 042010
Travel has led me to Lockport, NY. I’m up in a place called Lockwood Inn & Suites, and it’s a standard motel. By “standard” I mean a pretty damn good deal. Low price (relative to the area), decent digs, and no Hepatitis from the bed when you wake up–what more could a guy ask for?
I got one… earlier check-in. Not of the hotel, but of myself. Once again I check into the hotel at 10PM, and right now it’s past midnight and I’m still up. I’m going to try to check into a hotel tomorrow at 7 tomorrow, so I can get my travelling thoughts down without rushing myself so I can get sleep.
The last two days have been quite interesting. Lots of sights. Lots of towns. Too much for me to document to the detail I want to achieve. All I can do is take pictures of notable things… at least to me. But the majority of this trip thus far has defied my photography skills. My pictures are missing the wind, the moments where I lay in a new path, or get lost toward my destination.
Before I forget, I wanted to note a few things. US-62 has been rewarding for the most part. Lots of scenery, 75% beautiful. 25% wtf. When it’s not scenic, it goes through places like Youngstown, some rough parts of Pennsylvania, and Buffalo proper. Also, Pennsylvanians are kind of… strange. Folks in Ohio are very nice. Pennsylvania folks apparently never heard that it’s not polite to stare. Like this happened more than once while I was riding through, just random folks would stare at me without saying a word.
I have a couple more days before I cross into Canada. I’m looking for more photographic opportunities. Tomorrow’s definite will be Niagara Falls, but from there I’m heading eastward, towards the other end of Lake Ontario.
This is probably the best idea I’ve ever had. This is the first time I’m using my vacation time for an actual vacation.
There’s only one way it could possibly be better.
-TJ
So if being consumed by the prospect of never finding my next and last girlfriend were represented by tides, then right now I would be at high tide.
It comes and goes. When it comes, I spend a few days trying to figure out how to increase my odds of encountering that lady. Sometimes–although it’s been less often these days–I start seeing this woman in girls that I know… I know, bad habit. I hate using the word “desperate”, but the first step to improvement is to acknowledge the problem… I am desperate.
Sometimes.
As the tide comes, so too does it go, and after a couple of days I get sick of worrying about this and end up jumping into something new, and right now is no exception. This cycle, I am looking at buying a PS3 and FF XIII, researching into learning how to fly light aircraft, and reading–I’m almost done with Whole Earth Discipline. I think you, reader, can see this in my blog when I post often enough… I’ll bitch about being single, then be silent or post about other things for a few months, and then bitch about being single again, then post more stuff for the next few months… high tide, low tide, high tide, low tide. Today, I’m at high tide. Not too long ago I finally broke down and bought myself 6 months of match.com. All faces lead to profiles, and the ones I tend to click on invariably lead to no match indication in the “You match her” column for height and ethnicity… these girls always want a 5’8″+ white male.
It sucks, and it’s not fair, but as they say, “that’s life.” I live in a country where I look like a minority, and I understand. All I really ever do in this situation is understand how much harder I have to work–or how much more luck I need–to land the girl I want, who happens to be… a well-toned 5’8″ empathic white female that can cook edible food, have and be proud of her quirky hobbies, is not afraid to dance or sing when the mood hits her, is humbled by the knowledge that she knows very little about the Universe and yet still tries to learn what she can about it, can hold her own in a conversation, can admit when she’s wrong and is not afraid to voice her opinion and stand firm or change her mind as the facts present themselves. Gee… maybe it’s no wonder I’m still single. Perhaps I’m way too picky.
Anyway, the tide is waning, I think. The thing that helps me get over the hump is the constant promise of a new day. Regardless of the tide, I always go to bed with the though of tomorrow on my mind. Life has never been simply an exercise of waking up, breathing, eating, crapping, and going to bed for me. Sometimes, I actually think that tomorrow, I will meet a nice girl. As the case is now, I will be going back to Orlando, and hope to encounter a lady I ran into last December. If she remembers me, I’ll ask her out… there’s no harm in trying.
As usual, I guess the future isn’t so bleak after all.
-TJ
P.S.: I reluctantly link my ad here: http://dayton.craigslist.org/m4w/1642703792.html. Can you see the frustration? Incidentally I got 2 live responses from this ad (neither of which I am interested in). I think I started typing, and just submit it when I was sick of going on and on… that’s why it looks like it ends abruptly. Because it did.
Dec 142009
One day, I’m going to wake up. I’m going to look in the mirror. And I will look my age.
Before that happens, I need to do everything that I want to get done while I’m still young. I need to make more friends, do more things, get out more. I need to hit on more girls, get rejected, and learn to deal with it. I need to grow a thick(er) skin.
Pretty girl never fell for timid man.
-TJ
Ladies and… well, ladies.
I’m a good guy. I swear. I possess a heart of a hurricane, encased in a 3-foot-thick steel wall… that’s what comes to mind when I think about my personality.
I live by my conscience. When I’d break my own rules and act against my values, in the past it would physically hurt me. Now, I just try to make sure I do what I should be doing, and I don’t ever catch myself thinking “Oh, I should have blah blah blah…”
I’ve been thinking the past two weeks, what is my problem? Why am I so scared to talk to a girl that I want to chat up? Lately it’s been because I don’t want to ask “Hey, are you over 18?” I think part of my problem is that I look way younger than my age. I think that’s been my problem all these years of me trying to get attention from the females that I thought I wanted to talk to… they all think I’m way too young for them. Like I really can’t figure it out, how can some older fat dude get a hot minx for a girlfriend, and here I am busting my balls, working an honest living, and I don’t really look half bad, I’m not poor, and yet I can’t get even a bad date from any girl that I try to talk to.
I’ve heard I’m intimidating from one of my female friends… I have like 2 good ones that I’ve grown to trust and respect more than the average person. But I think also that I tend to size up girls… as a habit, and they see that I’m doing this. I don’t look at how big a girl’s chest or butt is… I mean, I notice, don’t get me wrong, but if anything it’s a fleeting moment of attention. I tend to pay more attention to subtle muscle movements in the face, body language, and vocal tone when they talk. Is she easily bored? Do she expect alot, as in habitually performing the action of “expecting” things only to be let down when things don’t go exactly as she hoped? Is she genuinely nice, or is she nice out of habit? Does she have passion in her heart, or is she just part of the city backdrop? Subtle things like how wide her eyes are, if she’s just looking or actually seeing? Is she even looking for a guy like I’m looking for a girl? It sounds crazy, but this is what I think about literally right after I decide if she’s cute or not, which is usually like a microsecond. I’m guessing I don’t even get to the questions on the female end of things… most girls decide I don’t look like your typical American man, and I’m not the kind to randomly chat up strangers who are busy going about their day. She’s got places to go, and I for one don’t want to be an obstacle that she has to surmount just to go about her business. If she’s looking for someone, she’ll say so. Just like me.
Anyway, just a couple thoughts on my girl situation. We’ll see how things work out in Dayton, OH, because I’m going to be celibate except for random masturbation for the next 6 months.
Yeah, I said it. Don’t cringe… you either do it, or you lie and you say you don’t. But that’s for another topic, another time.
Sep 072008
I had to do it. Had to hit you with the double-post.
As I stated previously, I just witnessed my cousin wed the girl of his dreams this weekend in San Jose, CA. As this is a significant event in one’s life, all relatives on both sides of the union gathered, and I ran into people that I guess I really needed to hear from.
The first was Dad, and I said in the previous posting what I talked to him about, which got my mind right and put things in perspective once again.
The second was Kuya M. I’m not so much blood-related to him, as rather his is married to my aunt. But I had gotten to talking to him, and of course he asks me if I’m getting married soon… not in the “you’re next, of course” kind of way, but just as a curious question (to which the answer is “no” as of the current date). I told him I couldn’t really find anyone, and that I was starting to get worried because I’m 28 as of this Friday and I haven’t managed to meet the right girl as of yet. And Kuya M tells me that I’m fine, and that it’s worse to be one of the guys who consider having intimate relations with a girl akin to masturbating. Normally Kuya M clowns around alot, but this moment of clear advice gave me strength to live on with my own standards, which admittedly unfortunately erode to points of insanity between visits back home, as in I thought I was insane for hoping and praying for the smart, kind, patient, and beautiful girl who hasn’t already been married/divorced/had children/become jaded.
The third, Kuya R. It’s hard to believe that in 2008, in our era of post Sex-in-the-City liberation, that there are still people who are old fashioned and believe in making relationships by becoming best friends first before becoming in love and eventually married, and not fooling around otherwise. I’ve felt the lure, and I’m unfortunately not perfect… I never made it home, per se, but I’ve gotten around a few of the bases (To my credit, the times I’ve approached that threshold I’ve always felt horrible and cancelled the relationship, so I guess there’s hope for my wreched soul yet). There have been times when I lost sight of that ideal relationship with the ideal girl… I guess I’m a passionate guy and I tend to let the flames get a hold of me whenever they actually show up. Anyway, the details of what Kuya R told me aren’t relevant, but the conversation we had gave me hope that I’ll find that girl with old-fashioned values as of yet, with the patience, kindness and humility that I desperately need in her.
And to that end, I need to deserve her. I need that girl, but in turn I must deserve to find her. I think alot of the reason why I haven’t met her yet is that God knows I’m not yet ready. I’m still getting my life on track, up to where I’m supposed to be. He knows what I’ve been praying for my whole life, and He knows that I shouldn’t find that girl until I become the man that deserves such a woman. I think I have a good amount of major flaws that I need to work on, and alot of things I have yet to define about myself.
So I guess I need to ask you, reader, to pray with me, for me, because Lord knows I need all the help I can get. God, if you read blogs (which you probably do), help me to be totally honest to myself and to others, because as much as I think I’m “brutally honest” I admittedly don’t admit really difficult things to myself, and I can’t grow if I don’t acknowledge what I need to fix. God, you’ve given me the foundation through my mom and dad, and I am eternally greatful. Please give me the strength and patience to build upon that foundation and become my own man, able to stand on my own and provide the support my present and future family will need of me. Give me the courage to overcome the fear that keeps me paralyzed and stops me from making the moves that I need to be making to reach that end of true independent maturity… security and faith in oneself, and altruism and patience to give to everyone around me.
Aug 192008
I just have one question…
How is a nude female model able to look sickeningly hideous and bombshell alluring in the same photo set?
I stumbled upon a set of photos of some girl, and one of them is on my desktop, but some of them she just looks gross. And she’s not even doing anything lewd, just poses you’d find in Playboy… quite tame.
I just confused my penis.
I found this article when I googled “smart people can’t get dates”. Yeah… maybe I was being a bit pretentious. 
Or maybe that’s my problem… I’m not properly recognizing my worth and backing it up with a proper attitude. I read this article and it gave some insight on “I’m nice, why don’t girls like me?” What I took away from this was that I may be smart, decently good looking, and financially secure, but I’m not backing all of my qualities up with enough assertion. Admittedly I spend alot of time at home trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be doing instead of going out and actually doing something… anything.
Check this out http://xkcd.com/439/
It’s dumb, but when I read this I thought this was funny, and yet at the same time it made me realize that I tend to do the same thing. I see a girl I’d like to talk to, and for some reason I kill the initial feeling because really I just don’t want to deal with the rejection or bad times that I may or may not have with this girl. I realize I’m on the fast track to nowhere going down this road. I already don’t meet enough girls day-to-day, and what few girls I do come across I don’t talk to.
Something has to give.