Logic would dictate… nothing.

Doubleyou Tee Eff. So Here I am happily coding along and my mind starts drifting to you. I’ve already made the decision to modify a parameter in my routine. You conflict with me so much but for some reason I cannot comprehend I feel drawn to you. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it, I can’t figure it out.

So here it is… unedited, save for the spelling errors. Things that are unsaid here are unsaid on purpose and yet for no reason. This post confuses me the way my feelings for you confuse me. If this is me falling, I hope I can stop falling either by you catching me or me hitting the ground. Either way, I want it to happen sooner than later, but most likely it will happen later, and statistically and historically “it” has been me hitting the ground.

So here I am, falling through air? no… something else. There’s a substance, a kind of ether, meaning that it’s not nothing that I’m falling through… It feels like knowledge and experience.

This feeling is 10% anguish, but 90% I-don’t-know-what. I feel like I should explore this emotion, because it really is unfamiliar to me. It’s not the kind of martyr-ish feeling of love-so-much-it-hurts… too cliche, this is something I really haven’t encountered before. Nor does it carry the kind of insane pain that feeling tends to bring… I’m past that.

I want your love… or affection… or whatever its called. “It” is whatever makes me think you want to spend time with me. Strike out “think”, replace with “sense” or “feel”.

*breathe out*

*focus…*

(Coherent part of this post:)

If you read this, and you’re not the person I am addressing this to (or even if you are), don’t worry about me, I’m perfectly okay. I guess this is just the growing pains I’ve been avoiding all these years since… Lisa Kim.

Picture me with a slightly disappointed look on my face, slightly downcast eyes, slightly shaking my head, as if to say “God damnit… this sucks just a little bit of nuts, but I’ll deal.”

I always do.

Disappointment, because I wish I had these nuts that I have now back when I was younger… like 20. And yes… I’ll admit I must have hung myself on the end of that last relationship all these years. Not in the sense that I’ve hoped we’d get back together, but since then whenever I contacted a girl I was interested in, I’d always have a bitter pain in my chest and a badass fear of being rejected. Logic would dictate that since Kim was my last relation, and I haven’t had a girlfriend since her, *and* I’ve had this bitter reaction to girls I’ve been attracted to, that the emotion and my ended relationship were/are somehow connected. That’s “no-duh” kind of logic, though… just took me a while to see it.

So. No time like the present. No time like the present to learn to fly. I just hope my gift for learning will help me out in this aspect.

*Sends a text…*

Today… I will confront my fears. As my courage rises and falls, I’ll ride these waves in hopes that I reach the shore and feel that stable earth underneath my feet, that sense of reassurance that can only come from having worked so hard to get to land.

-TJ, confused but learning ever so slowly, changing every day.

Mental note: Look into The Sanctification of Work by Jose Luis Illanes. I always believed that the actions I take on a day-to-day basis was how I pray. Some people pray by clasping their hands, bowing their heads, and breathing words thought to be holy… I pray just by making right decisions and doing good in the name of the Lord.

-TJ

Test post from Google Docs & Spreadsheets. Woo hah! I got you all in check!

So. I went on a 3.5 hr drive NW of my current location. I took my antsiness out on the road, and driving did wonders for my pent-up agitation.

Sometimes I forget that when I’m cooped up in a room too long, letting the same thoughts stew over and over in my head, that a good cure for the blues is just getting lost in the wilderness (albeit on a paved road, but still). I hopped in my car at about 3PM today and I just started driving. I initially wanted to find a place called “Java the Hut” in Woodland Park in the hills, a cafe with wifi that I was hoping would be an out-of-the-way shanty, but sure enough I drove past it, along with a bunch of other cars in what looked like the main highway that ran through the town. I’ll check it out later, like *maybe* this weekend.

Then, instead of turning around and heading back home, I took a right turn at some roundabout, and 1.5 hrs later found myself driving through Aspen Park, another place I wanted to scope out for wifi but not in the immediate future… though it looks as if I just gave myself a preview of what was to come.

Did I mention I really really like Colorado? All these little mountain towns, like the settlements in the hills that you occasionally find next to the road (I ate at a restaurant on Highway 167, it was okay. Zula’s bar? Zuma’s bar? I can’t remember.) and places like Aspen Park, are places I’d consider living. Especially Aspen Park, which is like 30 to 45 mins from Denver, not really a bad commute considering there was a point in time I was driving 2 hours one way to get to work. “Quaint” describes it perfectly, for me. Unfortunately I couldn’t do that much exploring because I hit Aspen Park at about 6PM, and the sun was already gone behind the mountains. I hope it looks good during the daytime.

Anyway, while I was driving, I got to thinking. I’m not desperate for a girl, I’m desperate for a certain kind of companionship, like finding a good friend I can have deep discussions with that won’t make them feel weird or anything when I unload my shit. Friends back home are used to me doing just that, but I haven’t found anyone here that I can sit with, face to face, and just discuss the world without feeling like I’m being judged. Correction, I have met one girl, but one person can’t be the sole recipient of my vent… I need to find more, thoughtful people to hang out with, so I’m not always bitching to the same person about my internal turmoils that I just sometimes have trouble finding answers to.

Anyway, I drove my anxieties away, and had a chat with Law and Kyuu Hee over the phone for a little bit. I just simply need to meet more people, and hope for the best that I find ones that are generous enough with their time to listen to me unload, and would do so in kind to me.

-TJ
Labels: friends

*gears cranking*

Still lacking stimuli. Gears have been turning for a few days, I’ve been wondering why I’m restless… it’s because I’m not getting out enough, and that’s nobody’s fault but my own.

*gears cranking*

I had an idea. I’m gonna be here in CO for 2 more years. Colorado really is beautiful. From what little I’ve seen, I wouldn’t mind settling anywhere in this state. Thinking about it more, I probably wouldn’t mind settling anywhere in the Northwest. I like woods, mountains, and nature. I also like technology, business, and making work easier by building better tools. I think I should start looking at this state so I can begin to make plans for where I want to live after I get out of the military in 2 years. Los Angeles is nice, but I think I can find a better place to live and work, something not so fast paced. Living from goal to goal, achievement to achievement is fine, but a slower paced life is also something to consider.

*gears cranking*

Slower paced life? Maybe I should revise that… I should have a cycle of living slowly, then hitting the achievements… I can’t be constantly on high speed, I need to rest. Conversely, I can’t be constantly resting, I need to be moving.

*gears cranking*

I got it. I should try to find a place that’s populated, but not too far drivable distance from a place out in the “middle of nowhere” where I can choose to be left alone and receptive to inspiration. Or I should find a place that’s not populated (like Broomfield, CO), but not too far of a commute to work in a place conducive to building better business, i.e. a place like Downtown Los Angeles or Denver, where I would be able to make business contacts faster simply by being in a center of business. This appeals to me. I want that kind of versatility in my work/living environment. I want to be able to operate out of any office, cafe, shore, campsite or cornfield I choose for the day. I want my credibility to stem from my personality and my work and not the fact I am headquartered in a brick-and-mortar building.

*gears cranking*

I want I want I want. What do I need to do so I can cross that line from sitting on my ass thinking about what I want to do with my life and actually doing it? What kind of foundations do I need to lay down today so I can live out my dreams tomorrow? That’s the real question. A solution would be to sign up with a contracting company… I can get started seeing America (or even other countries) by signing up with one of these guys and filling positions in places I’ve never lived.

For now, I’m gonna have to stay low-tech. Visit a new town in CO, find a wifi hotspot, connect, and start creating. I’m an explorer… so I need to start living like one.

-TJ
Labels: future, live, work

I’m a little less homesick now thanks to www.KROQ.com. KILO here in COS is horrid compared to what we have back home. My brain is happy. )

-TJ

So.

I’m thinking of scrubbing alot of stuff online. I’m mostly considering abandoning my current IM accounts and re-creating new accounts that will mostly remain un-published… either that or just totally abandoning IM. I have a phone, and I’d rather hear from my friends instead of text them. ICQ as of late has just become an avenue for spammers to send me links to their gibberish.info sites, and MSN, Y!M, and AIM are rarely, if ever, used.

The big-picture motivation? I would like to gradually spend less time looking at a computer, and more time looking at a real sky, with real sun, real mountains, real wind blowing across my real skin. 1280 x 1024 resolution on a 19″ flat panel… or infinite resolution in a stereoscopic display? It’s up to me.

-TJ

(About: http://biz.yahoo.com/bizwk/061117/b4011063.html?.v=1)

I read the following paragraph at the end of the above article…

“For all the benefits Armstrong and others have gotten, some critics fear the creation of a new nanny corporation, where employers increasingly monitor personal issues that cost them money. But as long as companies are on the hook for health-care coverage, don’t expect their mothering to change anytime soon.”

The “nanny corporation” isn’t exactly a new idea. The Air Force is an example of this method of doing business. We have mandated Physical Training (PT) program that keeps the corps healthy. We have mandatory remedial PT programs for people who fail their PT evaluations. And beyond health issues, we have people that go to counseling for substance abuse and financial irresponsibility. We get weekend safety briefings, monthly vehicle safety briefings… you name a motherly custom and we probably have it, right down to signs in some bathrooms that remind people to wash their hands with soap and warm water before exiting.

Is it good? I think so. I realize that the bottom-line motivation for corporate entities to implement policy regarding personal-life issues is to save money in the long run, but if in the process a person somehow becomes better–by health, personal habits, or otherwise–I think it’s not so bad. At least I’m given another reason to take care of myself in such a case where simply living longer is not a tangible enough reason for me to move my fat ass.

-TJ

I was driving home today and I got a mental tap, most likely from God, that I need to count my blessings. That notion, like all notions that get seeded into my brain, evolved and now instead of doing just a simple list of all the things I am thankful for, I want to write down all the good things and “bad” things (bad things are still good things in my book) that happened to me that I can remember at this point in time… I sometimes think that my outlook is cheery because I’ve never had any major obstacles to hurdle in my lifetime, at least none compared to other more interesting people I’ve met or my parents’.

Anyway, I am thankful for…

• Mom and Dad. No one has the answer to every conceivable question in the world, but when I look for answers to questions and problems I simply can’t resolve on my own, I look to my parents. I hope that when the time comes for me to be a father, I can provide for my children the same fountain of knowledge and rock-solid support that my parents gave me growing up. Because I know you, I am lucky.
• Lawrence, Kyuu Hee, Alvin, Janet, Alex, Scott. Good friends all. Whenever I need a different point of view, I turn to one of the above named people to find a different way to see things. Because I know you, I am lucky.
• Sarah. I know we just met, but… well, I can put it most succinctly in the following terms: I try to think outside of the box, but you make me think outside of the box that’s outside of my box. Because I know you, I am lucky.
• People who have done me wrong (Irving Sarreal, Ryan Lynch). Wounds heal. Scars fade. The memory and circumstance of those scars do not go away. I am especially thankful to know these people, because they are negative examples of how to go about living life. I learned from Irving, my uncle by blood, that I should not pursue a goal too intently, at the cost of more important things such as family, friends, my own values, my good name, trust granted only to family members, and so much more that I cannot summon to mind at the moment. From Ryan, I learned that respect cannot be commanded, only earned, and I strive to earn the respect of my peers through patience, diligence, and mutual respect for those peers. Because I know you, I am lucky.
• The person who applied for that credit line with Chase under my name. I have no idea who you are, but you have reinforced within me faith in “the system”, faith in keeping my values, and faith in always being honest. I’m learning to fend for myself with regards to repairing my good name. I don’t really “know” you, but I know you’re out there, and for this I am lucky.

As for other things I’m lucky to be/have, I’m thankful I’m:

• Not poor
• (overly?) self-aware
• Not addicted
• Not arrogant
• healthy
• happy

And finally, here is what I need to do because of all that I have…

• Finish out the rest of my contract with the USAF in a manner that will make me proud I was once a member of the world’s finest Air Force.
• Build the website for WHS 1998… the reunion is coming up, and I still want to explore making that non-profit organization in the footsteps of CNHS 1966, my father’s high school alumni organization that, among other things, makes scholarships available to aspiring students in the Philippines. I think it would be awesome if my class could rally together to do something extraordinary like that.
• Build up my own website. I tend to internalize (thanks most recently to Sarah for pointing this out), and by process of this Blog I can get all the little odds and ends squared away, as they are currently scampering around in the recesses of my cerebellum like so many little tiny hamsters in one gigantic maze.
• Build up the connection portal for people with the last name of Olaes… that was really the initial vision of me having “Olaes.net”, instead of it being a website all about just one Olaes, namely myself.
• Build up the elected official voting record application. This is something I need to do, as it will be how I tie myself into our political system. I want to get involved, and I think this is the best way for me.

And also, I can’t forget about the smaller but no-less-important things. I need to be a better friend, a better listener, a better son, a better brother. Alot of people say I tend to be hard on myself, but I’m afraid that if I ever became complacent and stopped trying to work out my flaws, I would cease to grow. I would stop taking advantage of the precious little time I have on this earth, instead just squandering it on God knows what because I would no longer care to take the time to be a better person. I would die. So for as long as I breathe, I will always be working to improve myself, as the world deserves no less than a person who tries to be the best he can be, each and every moment of each and every day.

I will rest when I’m dead.

-TJ

So.

I’ve been told by a rapidly-becoming-good friend of mine that I’m paranoid and I think too much. Of course… this isn’t news to me, as I’ve been told by even my best friends that I am (A) paranoid, and (B) think too much. (Lawrence, Kyuu Hee, Janet…) I can’t help it! (Or can I?) Days that I have to myself, I am left mostly to myself. I live alone in a barely-occupied dormitory (120 rooms, less than 20 residents). I hate being alone, not hearing any music or anyone doing anything near me, so I spend my downtime downtown, programming and just watching people in general.

So now I’m realizing that I’m in a funk. I’ve recently begun inquiring about violin lessons, and I think I will re-learn to play. Lord knows I could use an outlet for that aspect of creativity, as I certainly am not having it via blogging or programming something that’s not mine.

Have I mentioned I hate being by myself? Thinking about it… I think I’ve posted this exact topic just a few weeks ago in the old blog. Oh, speaking of “blog”, welcome to the new one. I’m gonna just use Blogger because, as I was saying to Alvin, it’s already out there, already established, and does what I need it to do, which is blog and post to my website.

Anyway, back to the inane babble in my brain. I think I need to queue up some right-brain things for me to look into, like good books to read for the sake of reading, music to listen to for the sake of listening to music, and things that I have been overlooking for the sake of doing other things with more apparent concrete returns (like working out, coding, learning about .NET, etc.). I find myself stumbling over basic words in normal conversation, and that disturbs me quite a bit.

Ooh… before I forget, I need to terminate this post and start the one I was thinking about while I was driving home today from the cafe.

-TJ