I know I’ve done it before, and it’s always come back, but I think I’m going to retire this blog. I won’t stop “blogging”, per se, but I think that while all this unrestricted free space that I have where I can scream my opinions into the void of cyberspace has given me much courage to speak my mind, it really hasn’t done much to improve the quality of my writing. So in the same way that rappers have to come up with creative lyrics to replace the curse words in their songs so they can get air play on the radio, I’m going to re-launch a new blog-equivalent site with some new constraints. I’ve internalized a few things I’ve learned in the past year and a half about leadership and running an organization, and I want to apply those things to my website so I can become more focused and generate content that is more valuable to myself and the people who visit this site (all 6 of you).
So TTFN, I’ll relaunch soon.
-TJ
Don’t say it if you don’t mean it.
I say it because I mean it, and I said it because I meant it.
-TJ
Breathe. Live. Do what you were meant to do. If our lives merge at some point in the future, then great. If not, I’ll not look back on this experience in regret… I’d do it all again. I’d gladly lose myself again.
-TJ
I know I’m in a less-than-optimal state of mind, but the way I see it, I’ve got the following options:
- Wait out the night at home, by myself, sitting with feelings of loneliness.
- Go out with a friend and
- Drink water
- Drink beer
… I’ll see if I can stick with water.
-TJ
Is this love?
Am I just not being completely honest with myself when I say that I don’t love her yet? I don’t know why I want her so bad. I just do. I guess I should accept the possibility that I actually love her now? I want to stop this candle from burning out… I’m concerned it may burn out too fast. On the other hand, I feel like I have so much to give.
I know this too shall pass, but I want this feeling for as long as I can hold on to it. I will stay in the moment. I have this strong passion for her. I want to explore this possibility.
-TJ
Right now I feel…
Pain. Anguish. Desire. Happy. Hope. Impatient. Patient. Weak. Strong.
Love.
Overarching all this, I feel like building this house.
This, too, shall pass.
-TJ
Aside from the matter of the heart that I’ve been writing about lately, the last couple of days I’ve been finally getting around to something I’ve been telling myself I’d get around to… cleaning my apartment.
My floor is (relatively) clean. My windows are open. It’s like night and dawn how improved my apartment is–not day… I’ve yet got a way to go. I think the important thing is realizing that the progress I make is the progress I make, and that cleaning the apartment is not an all-or-nothing proposition. It’s not like if I’m not first, I’m last… but if I make progress on the floor, that’s good and I should recognize that progress and not discount it because the job is not yet “done”. Besides… cleaning is never “done”. There’s always new dust, new trash, new junk mail, etc… it’s a continual process, and all I need to do is what I can. Thanks to the Worry Cure for this one.
My apartment is cleaner, I have a better relationship with you-don’t-know-who… living in the moment and deferring non-productive worry has definitely helped me.
Think I’ll take it easy today.
-TJ
Today I felt like it could one day be love. Now that my eyes are open, I see there’s a forest of infinite futures that I need to just attempt to walk through. The brush is thick and I can’t know for sure where all the pitfalls are, but I’ll starve to death if I stay where I am.
-TJ
I can feel it… she’ll be mine. But I’ve got a long way to go, and she’s giving me the opportunity to learn alot on my way there.
God, this girl drives me mad!
-TJ
You’re watching a soul grow as you read this blog.
I can feel control of my personal growth tear free from my grasp. Permitting myself to experience emotions I normally run away from. It’s very uncomfortable, and for once I’m not muting the pain in my chest when I contemplate the woman of my affections. I’ve always wanted to “love freely, wrecklessly, without abandon.” I never imagined the pain associated with doing so. It is very bitter, but with a tinge of sweetness when I reflect on the possibility that something beautiful may yet arise from the ashes of the destruction I’ve wrought, in my own mind. I know that this is normal, and that I shouldn’t be ashamed. I am not an impermeable fortress… I am a human being, and quite capable of….
…
Back to work.
-TJ